"I must find some way to keep Christmas from coming...but how?!"

No, I don't hate Christmas...but who can't empathize with the Grinch a little bit? Sneering out at the happy go lucky who's with all their hoopla and merriment. But my issue with Christmas fast approaching is perhaps a little different - if anything I wish we could just keep it on the horizon even longer!I love this time of year with its themes and traditions and twinkling lights...I even like having an excuse to say something nice to someone. Usually I have an excuse to say something crappy.
But I must say this year has been especially sweet. Aaron B., my longtime partner in crime and the other half of Defective Agency, was awesome enough to get us some tickets to catch Tim & Eric live in Atlanta in February! How cool is that?! I got to see them this past March just before Season 3 of Awesome Show came out - it was pretty mind-bending. And Atlanta is supercool....and I get to roadtrip with my best friend! Merry Christmas off and running!

Meanwhile, Christmas downtown is a pretty nifty thing. With all the businesses with their window lights, and the bank with the big bell drawn with colored office lights, plus everyone shuffling around in scarves and santa hats - its hard not to get in the spirit. Even my neighbor Sydney the bum, who lives under the overpass and showers with a bucket, is sporting a santa hat these days! Now thats some Christmas cheer for that ass!

Also adding to my Christmas this year was a brief encounter with my new favorite Tiger...Doneal Mack. Yes, he has stars shaved in his head like a Sneetch...but he has to be the breakout player of the season. He's the only one out there so far that is rising above his expectations..anyway, I happened upon him, Shaun Taggart & Jeff Robinson in the lobby of the Forum the other night on my way in to catch the Grizz ending their winning streak. The other guys were quick to roll eyes and roll out at the sight of an oncoming white boy fan, but Doneal was actually way cool and a very nice guy.

And, oh my God, how could I forget?! Finally, 20 years after we began our quest...Aaron & I revisited and FINALLY beat Raiders of the Lost Ark for the Atari 2600! A ridiculously bizarre and rather involved (for the time) game...I guesss you could say it was ahead of its time in that it is a quest and you have have to explore and find things and figure out what they do and how to use them. But don't get me wrong - its retarded. Which wall the more reason to cheer when we finally sat back down together to beat it. We came close in the second grade, but we didn't have online walkthroughs or beer back then.

Well, I hope you all keep it Crunk n Merry...I am sure I will see many of you either at my Christmas party or perhaps in the days leading up to Christmas. 2008 has been a swell year, you guys. I hope 2009 can hold a candle to it. This being that special time of year (for me to poop on), and what with the economy being in the dump heap, I thought i would leave you with a jolly, yet purely capitalistic, Christmas message:

December is upon us once again...

December - The most happenin month of the year. And boy, this one is no disappointment. Money troubles abound. Gas is a buck fitty for the first time in 5 years. One of my best friends is having a baby. Another is getting married. i am turning 30. 30! The Tigers stand to actually lose some games. Whoa - feeling dizzy. Let me tak it one step at a time here...
First off, we went to Nashville for Thanksgiving to see my Aunt Leslie and her fam. Awesome time - Nashville is undeniably impressive. I see why Jack White saw fit to post up there. Opry Mills has got it going on - the hotel, the mall...and now they have a big mega-aquarium?!
We were there to see the Rckette's Christmas Special. A friend asked me later "Aren't they all old by now?!" and all I can say to that is...well, I'll tell you what, I will be nice and keep it to myself. Pit being, they keep these goils young and fresh. Ooh-la-la. But I have to say, the show was pretty awesome. I hadn't seen mega-stage production values like that since I used to get dragged to mega-church Passion Plays as a kid. Real camels in the nativity scene go along way to wow a crowd. Or at least me and my Uncle Dave.
My interest was snagged by nashville's ICE! They are currently doing the Grinch for what is apparently its final year. As you may know, I am a Dr. Seuss, and particularly a Grinch, fanboy. I have been a junkie since I can remember - the Grinch is an awesome combination of creepiness and pathos. And his teeth are great. But I didn't know what the ICE! thing was - I figured it was Grinch on Ice...an ice skating adventure a la Sesame Street or whatever else they do on ice. my aunt told us they had ice sccculptures and kept it so cold you had to wear the big coats they give you. Upon getting back to my compuetr though, I found that the ice sculpures are the Grinch! Now I can't figure out if thats cooler or lamer than ice skating. I ain't real big on mascot looking figure skaters and lame music....but at least they move. But I have to think this thing could be neat to see once. So i think Mom and i may go check it out...
And, yes, its my birthday this week. Tuesday I will be a real grownup. 30. How ridiculous. But I guess everything pretty much feels like I am doing what I need to be. I love my work. I love my parents and my dog. My friends are all cool. I wish they would quit moving away, but that's another blog for another day.
If you REALLY wanna know what I am looking forward to (like i am sure you do) - my annual Christmas jammy jam is Saturday the 20th this year, following the early Tigers game. Last year was very cool, but i kept my invites to a nil because my place wasn't fully up and running. This year, though, all bets are off and if you have made it to this blog, well, by God, you are invited!

I will be having a miniparty the night before for those who can't make it Saturday or thos whojust want a double dose of that pimpin. Bring something to add to the mix - your favorite drank mix, a dessert, a spicy tuna roll, whateva. You know how we roll.
This year I will have twice the room to spread out, with a second room for turntables, extra seating, atari & nintendo, cable, etc. Last year was way fun - even Arrow Dog had a good time!
OH! And while I am thinking about it - a qucick list of good and bad things:
GOOD:
1) The new Star Wars cartoon. Thought it would SUCK. Instead its got me hooked. Who knew?!
2) Shopping on Amazon. You all got cool gifts coming this year, friends.
3) Soul Coughing - Remember them? I loved "Rolling". There is a cool animated video for it on Youtube.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gxyhp1v2A7A
4) I get to be best man at Aaron B's wedding!
NOT BAD, BUT NOT TOO GREAT EITHER:
1) Step Brothers. Those two dudes sleepwalked through that movie. Funny moments, but I expected A-game material from this crew. This was more like Waterboy than Billy Madison.
JUST FLAT OUT BAD. SHITTY, EVEN:
1) This economy blows! It is amazing that everything could strike so harshly and suddenly - and I wish there was something witty I could say about it to make it seem silly - but it is affecting everyone I know and so many I don't. These layoff numbers are real deal, folks. That's people with few presents to give this year. Our shop feels it every time one of our clients goes out of business or defaults on their bills. So give somebody an extra hug and something nice for Christmas this year. Hopefully Obama Claus is gonna bring the change for 09...
2) Santa Claus The Movie - remember that one?? With Dudley Moore and John Lithgow? With the magic suckers?!?!? It magically sucked alright....It was so lame I think I will have to rent it next time I hit Black Lodge.
Merry Christmas bitches!

Here we go, Tigers...Here we go!

Ah, Tigers season....strangely, I never would have foreseen such anticipation and fandom on my part when I was a kid. Dad was always a diehard and he even managed to make a casual fan out of Mom, but I could just never dig up too much interest in the matter. But now, in my late twenties (and, yes, I can still say that for another few weeks), I have really learned to not only enjoy the season, but to savor it. Getting to sit 5 rows back from the court with your Dad will do that to you I think. And it sure don't hurt that *ahem* we were the winningest team ever last year... And I got to see the whole thing up close in person with the old man, getting served beer! Moments to be treasured for sure.

And here we find ourselves again - Saturday night we got to see our true first home game of basically Tigers Part 2. So how was it? It wasn't on TV, so we wanna know! If you saw the paper or the news you know we kicked their ass. But what sort of ass kicking did we have here? Was it UCLA-Kevin Love-on -the-floor-style ass whupping? Was it Final 4 style ass kicking? Or was it just a buncha guys who were better than Fairfield, whoever the hell they are supposed to be? What about Tyreke? Is he the new D Rose? And who is the new Joey? Or the new CDR? I will give you my thoughts, but first, enjoy the new movie intro:

Well, friends and fans (the only ones who would still be reading at this point), let me give you my two cents worth since you stopped by to read my thoughts on the matter today. I like itemized lists, so hang with me...

1. Robert Dozier will be awesome this year. Antonio Anderson will be as solid as ever - and thats saying something. Shawn Taggart will snatch a lotta rebounds and tip in a lotta loose shots. But you know all this.

2. Doneal Mack is going to be damn good! He is taking it to the hole as well as shooting lots of his trademark 3's - and looking sharper than I expected doing it! You didn't know that!

3. Willie Kemp - all eyes on you, bro - he is pretty solid on the point...but he just doesn't have the speed or power to blow by people like Derrick Rose or even Andre Allen did...but I like Willie and I think he'll dig deep this year.

4. Pierre f'n Niles. The girl sitting next to me said she goes to Ridgeway and has Pierre's old history book. I really think this guy is going to defy odds and become a hometown hero this year. He looks like a monster and is surprisingly fast and nimble out there. He even hit an alley oop dunk that looked like Joey Dorsey! Oh, and did I mention that most of our guys (including Mr. Niles) can actually hit free throws?

5. Jeff Robinson - this guy barely played more than the walk ons. I don't know why we aren't seeing more of him, but he has a certain buzz. People around me were asking each other when he was gonna get to play. I think everyone senses that this guy has breakout potential...he wants to do something explosive and dynamic whenever he gets the ball. Lets hope he sees some real PT this season. He's on the poster this year instead of Doneal for cryin out loud!

6. Tyreke....the big question mark of the season. And he has been clouded even further in mystery by injuries and sickness that kept him out of the exhibition game with CBU (see 3 entries ago)...he didn't start this game, but he was in there plenty. Does he score? Yup. Is he awesome? We'll see. He made some CGI looking moves when he took it to the hole. He can make it go in no matter what comes between him and the basket....but then he also shoots this awkward 3 pointer that, despite his squaring up and having time, doesn't even hit the rim! Noooooo! This guy will be plenty badass though once Cal gets ahold of him and he gets a taste for the pace.

All in all - we will kick ass. The fun part is, I have no idea which combination of guys will turn out to do it. There are no proven stars really - just proven potential. It was great being back at the Forum with the band going off (they learned a White Stripes song this year!) and the crowd fired up and on their feet. I will keep taking pics and videos to keep you posted. And if you're lucky and nice, we might even let you tag along sometime!

there's one thing i hate! all the noise, noise, noise, noise!

Well, the temperature has dropped, I am recieving plans and agendas for upcoming family get togethers, and Walgreens' seasonal aisle is red and green, so it must be the holidays sneaking up on us once again (I now say "uh-gain" after hearing a seminar by a foxy Canadian art director this past weekend. And I am not soar-ee about it!). Some people let the impending festivities get them down or depressed....others seem to get a natural high or happy buzz off the whole thing. I have my own method of dealing with the last month and a half of the year: I get annoyed.
Not that this is too terribly different from the rest of the year. In fact, I generally find myself irritated to some varying extent by the whole of humanity 12 months running, year after year. And please don't think I am too judgemental - I include myself in that whole mumble jumble that we call the human race. I don't get a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. But as the air gets colder and money gets tighter and it just seems like you are suddenly around more people than usual, it is easy to find inspiration for one's annoyance.
So I say in celebration of the upcoming season, it must surely be time to vent on a few things currently on my "not my favorite" list...
1) My damn pilot light was out for days and as soon as I got it up and running, my hot water heater went kablooey. Now don't worry - my landlord is cool and my utilities are included in my rent, but as I say this is a list of irritating things - and what's more teeth clenching than cold feet at night and a cold shower the next morning?!
2) Barack n' rollers. He won. Great. He was the cooler of the two. Easily. Now Morgan Freeman being president in that meteor disaster movie doesn't seem like the silliest part. Wonderful. But this guy is just that - a guy, people. Don't add a new chapter to the Bible just yet, please folks. Be wary Mr. Obama - Sisqo was pretty happenin for a minute, too.
3) My digestive system is back to acting a fool. The thing is - it is pretty hard to nail down what makes it do what it do. The best I can figure out is - if I eat heavy or fall asleep too soon after dinner, I will be up with a mass of undigested food aching in my upper guts at about 3 in the morning. I honestly can't think of a witty line here to make this funny. It just sucks. Much like the news that...

4) They are remaking the goddamned Karate Kid with Will F'n Smith's 10 year old kid as Daniel-san. I shit you not. This makes me want to crane kick Will Smith in the face. Can we just go ahead and remake Jaws with T-Pain as the shark? I can only hope this new version will have Matrix-y slo/fast motion camera work and a CGI headband that raps and makes witty pop culture references. And speaking of fast motion, its Tigers time again...
5) The Memphis Tigers thought it would be neat to play next Monday's game at 11 pm. I will be there, but Coach Cal - you can expect me to give you an annoyed look during the game. I mean it - don't look over at me. I'll be mean muggin! Much like my favorite air duster huffing fox, Allison:
6) Intervention has been all lame reruns lately. No new Tim & Eric episodes til January. I don't even know if Metalocalypse or the Boondocks will ever be back (please God - hear my plea!) and no more All In The Family on TVLand. Well, thank yew very much and don't do me no favors. Thankfully, old episodes of COPS are just as awesome as the new ones. And COPS always reminds me of...
7) Crackheads. Maybe these guys are not a factor in your life, but try living downtown. They are part of the landscape like gargoyles (which I wish we actually had...."gargoyles for bums" - that could be a hella awesome initiative!) or pigeons. A pack live under the overpass near me and they wash themselves with a bucket of water for everyone to see. Its kind of like living near the woods and getting to watch the wildlife. If the wildlife smoked crack. Sorta like whoever came up with...
8) Auto inspection in Memphis. Are all cities like this??! Did i miss something? I am told you can get false tags in certain gas stations in the hood. When West Memphis AR has its shit together more than your city, its time to take notes.
9) Rats. Another unfortunate of downtown life. Thankfully i have seen no sign of them where i live, but i find it too common to see them running across the street in packs on my block. The way overpriced apartments around the corner seem to have a real problem and its pretty creepy. Though I did always like Templeton in Charlotte's Web... He sang that song about the Schmorgasbords (and I knooow I misspelled that.) But Charlotte was cool too and I am still squashing any spider on sight with extreme prejudice- I don't care if her web has the Defective Agency logo in it.
10) OK - the image above got your attention. Good. This one probably inspired this list. Its pretty wierd and maybe kind of petty - but it does truly annoy me. Now stay with me on this one...I joined the YMCA downtown about 6 weeks ago. It's great - I plan on ending this winter weighing less than I did beforehand, a true first. I love treadmilling my ass off and then I quite enjoy hitting the steamroom and the hot tub which are surprisingly clean and nice facilities. My problem lies not at all with the place, but rather a certain mentality that seems to be popular amongst some of the members.

Now, I played football through high school. I have been in a locker room before. I am not ashamed of myself or afraid to take a shower around dudes. Whatever. But there are some guys at the Y that just seem to have a thing for being ...gratuitous. Its almost like these guys don't get to be naked at home, so now somebody said its technically ok, its just time to let it aaaallll hang loose. Here's the thing - it's not the guys that are in shape and flossing some ego. Its the oldest and usually fattest of us that seem to be really into strutting what they got. Everywhere. And it can be disturbing to say the least.

I am not losing my mind here. There are even clearly marked signs imploring you to at least wear a swimsuit (and it calls it that - swimsuit -i'll rail on that in a second) past a certain point in the hot tub and saunas. I guess these old dudes feel like they are getting away with something? Is there some sort of exhilaration in sitting your wrinkly ass on the tile seat of the sauna? You can't use a towel?? They give out towels!!! For free!!

And I am sorry, but tighty whiteys do NOT count as swimming trunks - especially when you weigh 400lbs. I have not owned a pair of TW's since my first girlfriend in high school who told me they were ridiculous - and thank God i listened and overhauled my underwear collection the next day. And soaking wet on an obese man, half submerged in a hot tub like a Brontosaurus looking to relieve itself of the burden of its own mass? Hideous.Yes, I am being mean here- but you nearly blinded me with this ghastly abomination that mine eyes were so unfortunate as to see, sir. I feel like I watched a child get run over or a dog beaten - I am a worse person for it. And while I am attacking you verbally, let me just say that walking from the steam room to the hot tub and back again does not count as a workout. It's more like a ghastly fashion show strut down the catwalk of Hades. You made it to the Y, and for that I do applaud you. You're on the right track -now take yourself to Target, I say!

11)And last but not least - I am turning 30 in December! What does that even mean?!?!? I am not married, have no kids - is that bad??? I have never left the country...I just now learned how to tie a tie! So much stuff still to do - have I missed out? Am i supposed to be doing something I'm not? If so, who can tell me? I feel like i must be doing something right - unless my thought process is wrong...

- and guess what? That annoys me.

tunes n goons

Geez Louise! With Halloween and all going on I almost forgot to tell you about all the cool music I have gotten to see lately! Not only have I gotten to hear some good choons, but I have even discovered some new venues to hear it in...
For starters, Black Lodge Video is actually a very happenin spot to catch a show, should you get the chance. Yes, the creepy little video place with all the pornos in the lobby and the wierd sign out front. Upstairs they have a studio space where I have seen quite a few interesting bands. Saturday was just such a show - coming off Halloween, I was in the mood for some wierd fun but minus the crowds and ruckus. Well, The New Intruders indeed forgot the crowd - but they sure brought the ruckus. Loud, fuzzy ruckus....with soundbytes and screechy electronic sounds. I don't really ever know quite what these guys are going for, but they sure have a good time going for it...and they definitely don't sound like anyone else around here that i know of! My friends who talked me into going wound up downstairs watching The 40 Year Old Virgin, but i had quite a good time - and was really surprised at the eclectic batch of people there I knew.

Sunday actually found me BACK at Black Lodge for yet another show...this one was a little less my speed, but was every bit as interesting. The Memphis Flyer did a big story about it and called this genre "anti-folk". Apparently this scene includes The Moldy Peaches, early Beck and any other wierd, half sung/half-talked, "I don't care what I am mumbling about"-style, folkish material. The main act was Jeffrey Lewis, a very talented individual who not only sang his songs, but also wrote and drew his own indie comix. The opening act was a trio of cute art-school chicks called The Scandaliz Vandaliztz (probably misspelled that). They had a low budget Luscious Jackson vibe going on with lite rapping, ooo-la-la's & quirky lyrics. I heard they do singing telegrams for twenty bucks - and write the song specially for the occasion! Havng a soft spot for quirky art school chicks, twenty bucks sounds like a steal. My birthday is coming up if anybody wants to send these gals on over to the vanwraps shop!

Next up was Jeffrey himself. You know, I do not generally like singer songwriter types. I find them long winded, self absorbed and a little annoying. But this guy was pretty damn cool! Probably the most memorable thing he did was a "low budget video" of the biography of Obama, which actually amounted to a big hand illustrated flip book that he sang about as he flipped through. It was really neat, though I was amazed at the awe the guy seemed to lavish on his candidate of choice. It involved Obama's worldly culture as a lad, his helping the sick and feeding the hungry...i was waiting for the part where he fed all the bums with a couple loaves of bread and a fish. But I digress.
Lastest and bestest was my personally favorite local band, Oracle & The Mountain. I have known most of these guys quite a while and I have to give them props for having the Defective Agency open their cd release party. Have you not heard them yet? Yooza fool! Many folks around here think Lucero is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Well, I defy you people. These guys are better and you are stupid. Duh! Thankfully there were quite a few people willing to stay up too late on a Sunday night and catch this show. It was great.
On a final and not quite so great tip, I went to the Desoto Civic Center to see Stone Temple Pilots on their attempt at a comeback tour. I have to say they were surprisingly tight - the ambulance that came pulling up preshow was NOT there to haul Weiland off to rehab, much to our surprise. They ran through so many songs that Iknew every word to....It blew my mind how prolific they were. But the place was waaay empty and the extended jazz odyssey jam sessions didn't help. Every time they launched into one, people streamed out the exits like a stink bomb had gone off!
I am told I need to check out Odessa on Broad....having become quite a fan of The Cove and its dranks n' oysters, I believe I will have to wander over there sooner rather than later. I also see that Tim & Eric will be in TX next week. With gas being so cheap, I could probably be convinced to say screw it and head down there...but i probably won't....
OH MY GOD! How could I forget!?!?!
I know it technically doesn't fall under recent music shows, but I got to see the all new Memphis Tigers in their debut exhibition game last night! All my fellow fans want to know: HOW ARE THEY? I will keep it short, but let me say this: We have a long hard road ahead of us. I saw good things: Pierre is in good shape and snagging rebonds. Sean can still hook over tall guys' heads and make it. Dozier is more dynamic than ever. But oh, the bad: Antonio, Tyreke and 3 others were benched with injuries. Roburt Sallie is not overly impressive and couldn't manage to score all night. Turnovers! Turnovers! There's one thing I HATE! All the turnovers! And we even picked up a walk-on white boy from Germantown...all in all, we will kick a lot of ass. But that well-oiled chemistry that Joey, CDR & D Rose brought to the table will take a while to reproduce. But I plan on having a blast watching and waiting! Also, I called a LOT of my friends to ask if they wanted to go last night. Dad & I sit less than 10 rows back from the court at the away free throw line. Dream seats. You know what I heard? "Gee, I gotta work...my girlfriend will kill me if i go without her...I am doing laundry...I dont answer my phone (OK, i didnt actuall hear that one, but you get my point)"....Whats up with you guys?!? I gotta upgrade my friend selection!

The crunkest of Halloweens....

My, my...what a Halloween this year. The past few years my Halloweens have been a little subdued, so I was pretty much determined to have some fun this time. When the offer came along to dj the VIP lounge at the Forum for the Grizzlies' opening game, I knew I would at least have somewhere to be, but I had no idea if there would be fun involved. After all, the lounge is for long time ticket holders. Do the math - this means they are either old or they are at least rich. Whatever they are, it's NOT generally a twenty-something hipster, so I was a little intimidated. What do these folks want blaring at them as they eat free chicken wings before the game? Then it dawned on me that, with it being Halloween, I should dig up all the nifty Halloween themed mashups and remixes I could find. You would be surprised how many there are out there!
Let me also say that I did not have a single rubber bat stolen this year (I have vented about the bums snagging my bats in prior posts) and my decorations looked pretty cool. I did not pull of any super-neat pumpkins this year, but the ones I did were pretty cool...

Anyway, I got to the Fedex Forum on Halloween, trunk fulla dj gear, having been told I was on the list and all was well. I pulled up the entrance and a platoon of 4 or 5 60-something year old security guards approached me. They had no idea who i was or what i was talking about, but they said they had clearance for an unspecified "crew member" and that I might as well be it. Wonderful. Top notch security there! After a few delays (lets just say that they take parking pretty seriously at the Forum) I got set up and ready to rock this thang...

A good sign that your dj'ing skills are on-point: the nearest big-booty (and I say that with affection) black girl is snapping her fingers and dancing to herself, while the nearest 50 year old white lady is shuffling around, concerned that its just too loud and motioning for you to turn it down. More. Just a little more. OK, that's good. No - just a bit more. Greeeeeat. At this point I was basically playing the music through my headphones, but at least I was having fun.
I had been told that my pay for the evening would largely consist of tickets for the game. This did not come as overly exciting news at first as I can pretty much schmooze my way into any given Grizz game anyway. But then I got to my seats! I was 3 rows back from the floor, and if you look to the bottom right, in the black suit, you'll see King Willie himself. What can I say? A pimp eat steak. And I love the girl who comes dancing by - she is obviously working that thang and it seems to catch Willie's attention...

As I settled in and realized how many people I recognized in my immediate vicinity (cool because I suppose they were all power players of sorts to be sitting so well, and I was one of them, but uncool because I disliked the majority of them - what can i say?), I came to realize that these guys had quite a show taking place. Opening night, Halloween, the return of our long absent mascot after a cancer battle - all this added up to festivity on the making. Tricky tricks and musicky music, so to speak. And I must say, the Forum & the Grizz did not disappoint. Flames, stilt walkers, and even Saliva (who I will give a Free Pass on the shitty sarcasm here just to be nice) - the mood was set. But it was the triumphant return of the Grizz that had to be the highlight. In a very David Lee Roth-ish move, he flew down from the tippitty top of the Forum to the sounds of Foreigner. Nice.

In the longrun, the Grizz won in what had to be the most suspenseful, miraculous and - what the hell - fun that I have EVER had at a Grizz game. Easily. It was like the crowd was into it in a big way - much like the vibe at Tigers games. That feeling of "if we all want it bad enough and we cheer hard enough our wish will come true". And damn if it didn't come true! With 2 seconds left, they threw it in and Mike Conley snatched it from a guy twice as tall as himself and called a timeout. With one second left, we threw it in to eaxactly who needed it (Rudy Gay - duh) and he made one of those highlight reel three pointers at the buzzer and won the game. Streamers fell. The Star Wars theme played. High fives went around. Little kids laughed and played. It was awesome.

In the aftermath, I stuck around and pillaged the staff Halloween party (fun) then went to rescue my boss and his family who were swamped in the parking lot of the New Daisy. I thought I was going to get to host a mini Halloween party once I scooped them up, but we wound up playing drunken "wedge out of the parking place without damaging the truck or that garbage dumpster over there" game. It took ten minutes, but thankfully we won!
Upon returning to my place, I was met by my favorite bum, Carl, more commonly known as "Der-dr-drrr". Maybe you know him - he roams downtown and greets people with an odd growl-ish "Brrrrrddddrrrraaa!" Its kind of like Tigger's growl, but with crack. He also wears a toboggan in summer. Anyway, he approached me wanting food or some such foolishness. I was much too drunk for sandwich making, so I gave him an old handle of coconut rum instead. He looked like a little kid who gets all thats left in the candy bowl because the homeowners are about to call it a night and go to bed. It was tricks and treats all around...here's hoping the Great Pumpkin will be as generous next year!

life finds a (pretty damn cute) way...

As mentioned previously, my coworker and friend, Dawn, just welcomed a new litter of Australian Shepherd pups into the world. This is the mama's (Blue, aka BooBoo) third litter and it got off to a rough start. She had a dozen to start and lost two early on, but everyone seems ok now and before long they will be all over the place. I sent her home with my camera so I could get some gratuitously cute puppy footage and this was my favorite clip. This is the post-supper cleanup by Mama...prepare to "Awwwwww".

In memory of my Uncle Bill

Got a really sad call from Mom Thursday afternoon that my Dad's brother, my Uncle Bill had passed. I only have two true uncles, and this one was as close to another My Dad as there is out there - especially since my Granddaddy died some years ago - so this was a true loss. Everybody has "that Uncle", the odd man out who nobody really gets....I have that Uncle, but he managed (barely) to survive last week and will get his own blog entry some other day (that'll be a grand one). But let me just take a second to say that my Uncle Bill was pretty much my definition of cool: always laid back, super productive and sharp, and the all-around nice guy. I can still hear his bellowing "Waddaya say, Just-UN?" He was always fun to be around. In fact, I would say he was the uncle everyone got - you couldn't help but feel at ease around him. He leaves an awesome family behind - a quite diverse palette of cousins that I always liked and my Aunt Missy who has also been very cool to me my whole life. I will miss my Uncle Bill and I sure do wish I had found more time to spend with him, as I am sure everyone in my family does.

its gettin...its gettin....its gettin kinda hectic!

So what did you do this weekend Justin? Well, I am so glad that you asked! As it turns out, I actually did some cool stuff this weekend and if you weren't there, well, you are probably not my friend and you have no business asking, do you? What? You are bound and determined to hear about my adventures and thats why you check this damn blog in the first place? Oh, alright....but you are still of questionable reputation.
Friday was Tigers Memphis Madness...our first introduction to Coach Cal's squad of 08/09....everyone is curious - what will they be like? Can the new guys keep up? Can Tyreke be the new Rose? Did Pierre eat twinkies or humble pie all summer? Well, I was there (in my season seat no less) and I am here to tell the tale....The stage was set...the seats were all but full... We had to sit through the girls' team (egad - their goal is to have a winning record in C-USA), the Chinese exchange students, the cheerleaders, the pom squad (they didnt have to twist my arm on this one), and even a moment of silence for the recently deceased Tom II (seriously) before we saw any action. CDR showed up and you would have thought he was the Black Beatle - girls were touching his sleeve and freeeeeaking out! Derrick & Joey sent video messages (Joey declared himself Mayor of Memphis), the banner got raised for last year's title, all the players got announced.....so.....what's the deal Justin? They look good?

I may be biased, but let me give a few thoughts:
1) Pierre HENDERSON -Niles as he is now known - somebody lit a fire under his fat ass because he is back this year minus 50 lbs of baby fat and ready to kill. He was leaving the floor for alley-oop tomahawk dunks and looking pretty cut. I expect some pleasant surprises from big boy this year.
2) Jeff Robinson - I think this may be the next CDR. Young, off the radar and explosive.

3) Shawn Taggart - plus a few pounds and looking to shoot a lot from outside - he won the 3 point contest and i dont know if thats good or terrible...
4) Tyreke - didn't show a lot of himself but thats fine - we want a solid player, not a showboat...
5) Willie Kemp - looking pretty muscular and rather determined this year. Can he take over for Derrick? I dont know about that, but he looked poised and ready to throw down.
What a night! I have a friend (who will go unnamed since he is a yellow-bellied traitor) who wants to bet we will lose 2 conference games this year...should I take the bet?? Leave a comment and let me know which way the wind is blowing!
Saturday was not nearly so cool - but i did get my Halloween decorations in order...and I found my freakin black rubber bats!! If you have been following my rants on here you will know that the bums downtown will steal ANYTHING and rubber bats are no exception. But i did finish up with my cobwebs, windows & pumpkins...and my Mom even donated a big, hairy spider which looks especially cool creeping over my Grizz flag (just over my front door)...to complete the look I even have a scary resident wolf-dog guarding the doorway. And he will eat your face... (You can see him leering through the door, hungry for your face - your stupid face). ALSO, we got underway on the much hyped neighborhood graffitti program. At this point the news, the paper, the neighbors and even a few graffers had asked us what the hell was up and we didn't even know ourselves! So we gathered up some signs, some paint, some rags n' rollers and a few bored kids, and we were off. We got stopped by a few people as we painted over the stray gobbledygook...one flashed gang symbols at my boss and his little boy, one thanked us for our efforts, and a few stopped and made fun of my friend for letting his plumber's crack hang out...thankfully, the press was not around. Sunday. Now, Sunday is usually don't-leave-the-house-day. Well, I guess I do like to take Arrow to the park, but I definitely keep it slow & low and try not to do much of....well, anything. I must take a moment and relate how excited I was to discover a Sci-Fi Channel marathon of Friday the 13th: The Series....maybe my favorite show ever! And I hadn't seen it in 20 years! Nothing like retro Fox TV shows to make you feel 30 real fast. But I did manage to take Arrow to the park with some of his dog friends...you have to love Overton Park. Where else in Memphis will you see stuff like:

As you can see at the end, Arrow was not impressed by the drummers or the hippie chick dancing. But then, he rarely ever is....
Sunday night I was given a ticket to see MSTRKRFT at Hard Rock Cafe...do you know who they are? If you do, just skip ahead - if not, let me just say that they are part of the new movement of post-rave, post-metal, post-ironic, post-hipster dj/producers coming out and making disco music sound like amped up, punked out, noisy, gnarly kickass noise instead of gay showtunes. These guys, Justice, Kissy Sellout, Soulwax...I am loving the sound - and the style is, well, hey, I was a raver when we were doing that, so I can't really complain about the style. Think Kanye's last few videos with the 80's neon colors, bandanas, Vans, bandanas, screenprinted designs with calligraphy and skulls, and bright bandanas worn either around the neck or over the face, bandito-style. Hey, I didnt come up with it, I just write about it. But MSTRKRFT was indeed rocking and the soundsystem left my head ringing til this morning when i woke up after 3 hours of sleep and hauled my ass outta bed. Lisa B I blame you for not letting me leave at 2 when I said I was tired! But it was worth it of course... They played mostly original material but got around to many of the remixes we know and love: electroclash reworkings of Justice's D.A.N.C.E., the Cupid Shuffle, Kylie Minogue's WOW and maybe even a few Daft Punk choons....

F'n AWESOME. Gwar is Tuesday, but I dunno - getting covered in fake blood and spooge is so 10 years ago. Especially for twenty bucks. OH! And I have to give a shout out to my co-worker Dawn...her best Australian Shepherd, Blue (or Boo Boo as she is affectionately known) just dropped a dozen pups this weekend...Arrow is now a god-uncle!

This face...belongs on tha tiz-uuuube!

Before I get on with this let me just say that if you don't get the titular reference, you haven't watched UPN30 in the Memphis area over the last 10 years.
Now, on with the show...
This past Friday the Commercial Appeal saw fit to print a business section cover story about our neighborhood, The Edge, and our plan to deal with all the graffitti that goes on around here. It's actually gotten pretty vile around here - initials and half-ass logos, be it for gangs or just graf crews, covers not only the empty buildings, but storefronts, apartments, hotels, even the Junior Achievement and YMCA. My landlord came before the neighborhood association last month with a plan to eradicate all the garbage and also involve some of this local talent that is going to waste while annoying the shit out of us.
http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2008/oct/10/focus-graffiti-arts-program-taggers-welcome
Well, before we knew it we were getting e-mails and calls. Monday, we got a call from WPTY wanting to do a news story about it...suddenly, this isn't just talk - we've got a happening going on here! Sooooo - WPTY showed up, Dave & Mike were both indisposed, I am obviously the most telegenic of this motley crew anyway, and thus...well, let the lovely Dana Rebik tell the story:

This.....is comedy!

Went to the Hi Tone to see Neil Hamburger this past week...for those who may ask "Who the hell is that?!?!" , I will tell you he is an anti-comedian of sorts. He's been around for years and has gained the fandom of a lot of people I like and admire, not the least of which being Mike Patton (whose label he has recorded for) and Tim & Eric (whose show he has been on several times). However, the true find of my night was a way bizarre act called Pleaseeasaur. It consisted of a guy on stage with a video screen and an assload of corny costumes. The whole bit was mini-music videos on the screen with dude singing along and interacting with the onscreen action. Behold his song about, well, being rad:

The show was very cool and I found myself doubled over on the song about strangers and their van full of candy. AND i got to say "Egg-zactly" to Neil (it was his infamous line on a recent episode of T&E)...check out Pleaseeasaur on Wikipedia and www.pleaseeasaur.com )

Look Mom, some friends let me design their party flyer!

Next I'll be washing lettuce...and that's when the BIG bucks start rollin' in!

Trick My Trick!

So....Halloween is coming up. Its getting a little crispy in the air, leaves aren't quite so bright a green, Walgreens has a big aisle of Snickers and cobwebs and crappy costumes with the name of whatever its supposed to be plastered across the chest. Last year I went round and round with the street bums who wander downtown actually snatching and stealing my rubber bats that hung from my front porch (I guess you could call it a porch). Yes, rubber freakin bats are fair game to bums. If you see a bum peddling rubber bats, kick him in the shin and say "I know where you got that bat, asshole!" By the time Halloween actually rolled around, Party City was out of black bats and I had to settle for retarded looking greenish glow in the dark albino bats. This angered me.
But this year I am back in the mood and to start things off right, I am playing the magic pumpkin. No, not the Great Pumpkin that stood up linus. I mean the Magic Pumpkin that made kid's heads fill with roaches and snakes in Halloween 3. So here's what's up. Through the month The Defective Agency will be posting up some Treats in the form of exclusive mashups on our Myspace page. I am going to be posting them up here as well AND maybe a week before Halloween (sooner if yer good) I will be posting up this year's Halloween mixtape. Its a doozy!
To kick things off, I have a spooky dubby reworking of Gorillaz' "Dracula" and D12's "Purple Pills". I call it "Dracula's Pills".
http://www.zshare.net/audio/2029540497a38cf9/

I will have another up within the next week so keep checking back!

Some twisty bits...

I took a minute to repost some of my past dj mixtapes...some pretty eclectic stuff here...i'm pretty proud of these sets - they each represent where i was at some point in the past year or so. There's also some stuff that Aaron B. & I recorded as Defective Agency.Please take a minute and burn any you may not have - they might get you through a workout or a road trip some time...enjoy!

1. This is an all-new mix for the 80's kid in you. Think Atari 2600s, Inspector Gadget, Beastie Boys, Nintendo sound effects, and maybe even some Madonna (?!?). Very fun set and rather bangin. Please download and enjoy! Featuring Crystal Castles, Adventure Kid, Beastie Boys, Spank Rock, Madonna, The Who, and more...
FILE NAME: Cozmo's Saturday Morning mixtapeDOWNLOAD LINK:http://www.zshare.net/audio/1996002370559dd6/

2. In this time of crisis and upheaval, I thought this set would be appropriate. Lots of political/war/protest themed material but still lots of fun and very upbeat. Featuring M.I.A., The Avalanches, 3-6 Mafia, DJ Shadow, Soulwax, and even a new, thusfar unreleased Guns N Roses song! This one is essential, folks:
FILE NAME: Cozmo's Love & War mixtape
DOWNLOAD LINK: http://www.zshare.net/audio/19577435fbe1044a/

3. This mix is kind of moody and eclectic, but with 3-6, Bjork, Peter Gabriel, Caribou & Nilsson all in the same mix- how can you go wrong?DOWNLOAD LINK:http://www.zshare.net/audio/195781974da37510/
FILE NAME: Cozmo's There mixtape

4. This mix is a sequel to the first and decidely more bangin and to the point...featuring Wolfmother, The Avalanches, Porno For Pyros, some hip hop instrumentals & some other freaky shit.
DOWNLOAD LINK: http://www.zshare.net/audio/19579069aa172856/
FILE NAME: Cozmo's back again mix.mp3

5. As close as I get to a bangin house set...its still pretty out there, but definitely sweaty...got some DFA, Bonde De Role, Perry Ferrell, Justice, my electroclash take on the Cupid Shuffle, MSTRKRFT, Kissy Sellout and more...
DOWNLOAD LINK: http://www.zshare.net/audio/69407699c61355/FILE
NAME: Cozmo's long days mix .mp3

6. The original Defective Agency mixtape Red Team Go! We worked and deliberated waaaay long on this - some people think its the bomb, some people think its stinky. What can I say other than crank that sheeeit.
DOWNLOAD LINK: http://www.zshare.net/download/199633954a6b98b0/
FILE NAME: the defective agency - red team go.wma

7. The Defective Agency's special 420 set for our show with Muck Sticky & Lord T & Eloise...all the ganja anthems you know and love - defective styleee!
DOWNLOAD LINK:http://www.zshare.net/audio/199614938fc88baf/
FILE NAME: 420 newbys.mp3

8. In case you missed it, my 07 Halloween set - and it definitely goes bump in the night. Spank Rock, Diplo, Tegan & Sara, Morrissey, Gravediggaz, and even mean ol' MC PeePants are all here!DOWNLOAD LINK: http://www.zshare.net/audio/4452148b0d1e88/
FILE NAME: Cozmo's halloween mix 07.mp3

9. And just because some of my friends still have their f'n Christmas trees up (its almost February here, people) - here is our Defective Agency Christmas special, complete with Triumph the Insult comic Dog, Black Sabbath & all your traditional holiday faves...
DOWNLOAD LINK: http://www.zshare.net/audio/57534304fde552/
FILE NAME: defective agency christmas special 07.mp3

10. This one I did in March 08 on a lark...pretty eclectic batch of stuff...you got your NIN, Daft Punk, Santogold, Amy Winehouse, even some Faith No More!
DOWNLOAD LINK: http://www.zshare.net/audio/8831928989d2d2/
FILE NAME: cozmos march 08 minimix.mp3

These all make for quick, free downloads...I have a new sumthin sumthin on the way this month....feedback is great - even when you hate on it...peace out!

Now That's Entertainment!

I have managed to make it to a few shows in the past coupla weeks...and I have seen a few things that made me chuckle...First, if you are not a fan of Tim & Eric Awesome Show - Great Job! then you are one of the following: dumb, humorless, tasteless, smelly, ugly, and/or fat. Anyone who has been around me longer than 5 minutes knows I am a fanatic. This past weekend wrapped up Season 3 of the show and it was a masterpiece. They even got Frank Black from the Pixies to sing them out! Now, since I have been singing this song for 48 hours straight, I present the final bit from this past Sunday's episode....as we come upon our heroes, they are waking from their dream of eating their way to the summit of Brownie Mountain... oh, and those are all the various characters introduced in Season 3 riding the brownies...

Then this also happened to me on the way to work the other day....the weatherman said it might rain that afternoon. That's a might and it was still 8 in the morning. The sky was blue waith maybe a few of the whispy white clouds that float along. As I was bringing Arrow-dog around the block to pee, I passed this person. No storm cloud was gonna sneak up on her, dammit!

I also managed to catch my long time favorites Shmelby at the Buccaneer last week. Man I love these guys. Muck Sticky may be raunchier. Lord T & Eloise may have more presence and bombast. But for my buck (five, actually), the Shmelby All-Stars (DJ Awesome, Redbeard & Shower Cap) are the bestest. "Rock The Poopie", "AssNeck Trick", "Covered In Stank"....all rapalong classics. And they didn't disappoint! On this occasion they even brought out a live drummer! Hmmm....Now, once again I got the hookup working behind the scenes at the Memphis Flyer Best Of party. A great gig and good money, and I got to hobnob with....well, Memphis Best Of! The food was the best, the businesses represented were awesome...and then the band took the stage. What the hell?!?!?!? The Barbaras - guys, if one of you ever reads this, it ain't personal, I just calls em likes I sees em. This is the part where I think of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, with his hilariously Yugoslavian (!?) accent, yelling "EEW SOCK!" at those he felt were lacking in talent. These guys were lame enough in the music department - junior high pop-punk - but worse than that they committed the most heinous of band crimes in my book...they filled the gaps between songs with "witty" onstage banter. Now, the singer did think he was amusing. And he may well have amused himself, so I won't call him a liar. But I had to ask the guy who booked me for this party if they asked these guys to play on purpose.

And, not wanting to end on such a craptastic note, I spent Saturday out with the Old Man, my awesome dad. We hit the Putt Putt driving range early on Saturday (where I have MUCH time needed) and then on to the Tigers football game where we had Press Box passes waiting. We ran this play two years ago against the same team, Arkansas State, and watched our Tigers take it down to the wire, after leading the whole game, only to lose on a hail Mary pass at the buzzer. That's some retarded Tecmo Bowl bullshit! What the Hell?!?!?! Sorry - I hold a grudge on that one. And I was waaaay cynical about the game going in.

But lo and behold....we f'n won!!! And looked halfway good doing it! And we ate a bunch of Central BBQ! Yea for the Tigers and yea for me!

I also hit the Raconteurs show Monday night at the Canon Center. We got there with some time to spare so I got to soak up the coolness of the place. Catch a show there - ride the trolley! We did. The show was super rockin. Not nearly as bombastic as the White Stripes, these guys have a very fleashed out sound that allows them to jam and stretch out. Jack White looks like he's having fun - even though he looked to be pretty ill at this show. At one point he explained to us that his voice was going out and he was gonna do his best. He had to sit down a bit - and then his rig kept going out and they kept running out more cords and guitars. But nothing can stop him from rocking - the guy rules. And now he is making music for James Bond movies with Alicia Keys and doing songs for Coke and you know what? As long as he can rock it like this, I say go dude!

Last but not least, I hit Woofstock the other day. A very cool event and whoever put it together should be proud. It was a music festival sort of thing in Overton Park for dog and cat owners. Lots of shelters adopting out dogs, lots of cool (and creepy) pet vendors, and a TON of dogs. There was also an appearance of SpongeBob Squarepants (?). This reminded me of one time when I was a kid I saw another kid kick the KoolAid man in the ass in the aisle of Piggly Wiggly and take off running. I envied that kid. If I was a little younger and a bit ballsier, I woulda given SpongeBob das boot. He only knew one lame dance and it barely held the kids attention long enough for me to film this. imagine this clip in a 10 minute long loop and you'll get an idea of the lameness he was pullin:

OK, let me go do some shit and then I will come back and write about it. OH! On the food tip, Little Italy at the West end of Union is pretty good! The chicken is a little precooked & processed tasting, but the Italian sandwich I had was rockin and was cheap. And whats up with all these good places to eat bein closed on mondays (Umai, Petra, lookin at you!)?!?!?!?

Part 2: The Sequel That Took Longer Than Indiana Jones 4 (and may be just as disappointing)...

It has taken me a minute to get my act together and follow up my last entry so now I have quite a bit to blather on about. Thus, forgive me if I blaze through a few events that probably deserve more attention than I plan to give them. If you want to bitch, there is a comments section after all. My guess is, though, that you will get tired of my banter and skip to the end anyway so it makes little difference either way.

There. With that out of the way, we may proceeeeeeed....

When last we left me, I was getting ready for Taylor & Britten's wedding, getting zonked & shooting guns. And getting mistaken for a lumberjack somewhere along the way. Yoiks!

Sooooooo....what about the babes mentioned in the prior entry? Well, honestly I kinda thought there would be more to report on that post-wedding. I will give myself credit - your boy arrived in style:

Ah, Heidi and Carly - so lovely. By default I was surrounded by hotties! But alas it would seem that Taylor & Britten, while having what seemed to be enough guests for a remake of the opening scene of the Godfather (the big Italian wedding, you dope) - it also seemed to be largely a crowd of old folks (which is nice to call people when you're pushing 30 yourself) - and kids. And dudes. Dammit!

But that didn't stop these ladies from keeping me entertained. Heidi thinks she can't drink more than a half a cup of wine. I don't think she has figured out that she's Italian yet. It'll hit her when she turns about 50 and cougars out. Yes, Heidi, I am talkin about you. Carly, meanwhile, had no such problems in putting away the spirits and before long it was time for the chicken dance. No, not the wedding-style chicken dance - the one from the TV show Arrested Development. If you don't know what I am talking about, hop over to Youtube real quick-like and then bounce back. The whole family on the show had their own dance - each member had their own unique spin on it....so Carly attempted to cover all of em:

Are we not entertained? Then it got really good - my friend *name removed to protect the innocent* (who deserves to be called my friend by now rather than "my friend's girlfriend") thought she was being slick and apparently ditched us to slip off and smoke a j with some snob (they didn't invite me). Before I even had a chance to bust her out, she realized she had been standing on an anthill the whole time. I think the ants were mad at not being part of the rotation, plus she was standing on their house, so they bit her all over her beautifully sandled feet. It was funny ha-ha til her feet turned red and swoll up. Puff, puff, pass, friend X!

The bride and groom were awesome as I knew they would be. Britten gets props from me for being the most laid back bride I can remember ever. And Taylor made this face while he danced with her that still makes me laugh:

Then to add to the grand finale, we all flodged on going out after the wedding. The Southern Heritage Classic was going on and downtown was NUTS. Heidi and I made it back to her car which was parked next to Stop 345 by my house. When I first met her, her now-husband Jason was in a black metal band that played there. It was called The Last Place On Earth at that time and I was the bartender. Glory days! Anyway, I told her we should walk down there so she could see how different it looks these days. As we walked down the sidewalk, a security guard stopped me and asked if we were headed to the club. Sure, I told him, but just to look around. He looked at me, concerned, and replied to me that "Its nuthin but babies down there tonight." Huh? Its a young moms convention? That has potential! Within moments, however, I discovered to my horror what it really was and why he was warning me, the 29 year old male. Streaming up the sidewalk came a crowd of what I am guessing to be 14 to 17 year old girls dressed in tiny gym shorts, stretch pants, tube tops and less. Behind them came the obligatory high school dudes, complete with that seventies preppy flyback hairdo they all rock these days. Behind them came a bum, eyeing those young girls like they were pieces of chicken. "Wussup gurl! You lookin so good gurl!" The security guard who had warned me stopped the bum and told him he was too old and to keep moving. The bum's defense? He spun around and pointed me out and screamed "Thass a grown-ass mane right there!" Hey - the guy had a case.

That's when I called it a night. Well, we did try to convince the girl at the door we had a daughter inside the party in attempts to get in free - thankfully she didn't fall for it.

guns & dames part 1 (guns)

So....I'm looking at Justin's blog here and I see he's armed with a shotgun - and he's going to shoot something!?!? Thaaaaat's right! Justin got a taste of power....and he liked it!

So what the hell happened? I've never touched a firearm in my life! Well, my buddy Taylor had the grand idea to have what he called a Hunter S. Thompson style bachelor party. Use your imagination. We loaded up a couple of cars' worth of dudes and headed out to the country - way out past Lakeland.

When we got there I realized we were in for a real treat. An all-terrain Mule came rolling up and the back looked like something bank robbers would haul out. To escape a militia.

Guns (the full gamut, too - shotgun, rifle, and pistol), more ammo than I could count and a load of orange skeets. I was skeptical. I tried the pistol - and almost took my toe off in a misguided shot. We'll say that one was for my dead homies. It was ok - I didn't hold it sideways or talk to it or anything - but it was cool.

But then.....the shotgun....oh, the shotgun...

This one took me a minute to fall in love with. My closest experience to dealing with this was skeet shooting on Duck Hunt as a kid. My grandfather would have been humiliated at my ignorance, but I'll bet he would have been hard pressed to use Photoshop so I'll say we are even. My first time up with the old girl was rough. The kick was hard (though not as bad as you might think) and I couldn't see shit.

The second time, though....think Ralphie when he takes an Black Bart...Brodie when he aims down the oxygen tank in Jaws' mouth...it was ON!

I swear I didn't know I had it in me...but there I was, getting my blast on! All this time, I have wondered what 3-6 Mafia was on about, with the sawed offs and the plastic nines...still wondering about those, actually...but now I know! Destroying things with deadly force is awesome! And doing it while getting intoxicated is thrilling! Wow...I won't even get into how bizarre it all got (it was a Hunter S. Thompson affair, after all) but I will put your mind at ease by saying we ran out of ammo before we got too twisted.

By the end of the night, we were back in civilization, feeding Taylor tequila shots as frequently as possible. At one point, as I went to the bar to close my tab, a lovely lady stopped me just to ask about our table. Being a master sarcasmist myself, I was trying to read her patronization. "Excuse me," she said. "your table - it seems to be full of very masculine men - what with all the liquor and beards...are you lumberjacks or something?" I looked back at our table - a graphic designer, an opera singer (from San Francisco no less), a scientist from St Jude, a librarian & a bartender. Not a calloused finger in the bunch.

"Yes ma'am....we are men."