there's one thing i hate! all the noise, noise, noise, noise!

Well, the temperature has dropped, I am recieving plans and agendas for upcoming family get togethers, and Walgreens' seasonal aisle is red and green, so it must be the holidays sneaking up on us once again (I now say "uh-gain" after hearing a seminar by a foxy Canadian art director this past weekend. And I am not soar-ee about it!). Some people let the impending festivities get them down or depressed....others seem to get a natural high or happy buzz off the whole thing. I have my own method of dealing with the last month and a half of the year: I get annoyed.
Not that this is too terribly different from the rest of the year. In fact, I generally find myself irritated to some varying extent by the whole of humanity 12 months running, year after year. And please don't think I am too judgemental - I include myself in that whole mumble jumble that we call the human race. I don't get a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. But as the air gets colder and money gets tighter and it just seems like you are suddenly around more people than usual, it is easy to find inspiration for one's annoyance.
So I say in celebration of the upcoming season, it must surely be time to vent on a few things currently on my "not my favorite" list...
1) My damn pilot light was out for days and as soon as I got it up and running, my hot water heater went kablooey. Now don't worry - my landlord is cool and my utilities are included in my rent, but as I say this is a list of irritating things - and what's more teeth clenching than cold feet at night and a cold shower the next morning?!
2) Barack n' rollers. He won. Great. He was the cooler of the two. Easily. Now Morgan Freeman being president in that meteor disaster movie doesn't seem like the silliest part. Wonderful. But this guy is just that - a guy, people. Don't add a new chapter to the Bible just yet, please folks. Be wary Mr. Obama - Sisqo was pretty happenin for a minute, too.
3) My digestive system is back to acting a fool. The thing is - it is pretty hard to nail down what makes it do what it do. The best I can figure out is - if I eat heavy or fall asleep too soon after dinner, I will be up with a mass of undigested food aching in my upper guts at about 3 in the morning. I honestly can't think of a witty line here to make this funny. It just sucks. Much like the news that...

4) They are remaking the goddamned Karate Kid with Will F'n Smith's 10 year old kid as Daniel-san. I shit you not. This makes me want to crane kick Will Smith in the face. Can we just go ahead and remake Jaws with T-Pain as the shark? I can only hope this new version will have Matrix-y slo/fast motion camera work and a CGI headband that raps and makes witty pop culture references. And speaking of fast motion, its Tigers time again...
5) The Memphis Tigers thought it would be neat to play next Monday's game at 11 pm. I will be there, but Coach Cal - you can expect me to give you an annoyed look during the game. I mean it - don't look over at me. I'll be mean muggin! Much like my favorite air duster huffing fox, Allison:
6) Intervention has been all lame reruns lately. No new Tim & Eric episodes til January. I don't even know if Metalocalypse or the Boondocks will ever be back (please God - hear my plea!) and no more All In The Family on TVLand. Well, thank yew very much and don't do me no favors. Thankfully, old episodes of COPS are just as awesome as the new ones. And COPS always reminds me of...
7) Crackheads. Maybe these guys are not a factor in your life, but try living downtown. They are part of the landscape like gargoyles (which I wish we actually had...."gargoyles for bums" - that could be a hella awesome initiative!) or pigeons. A pack live under the overpass near me and they wash themselves with a bucket of water for everyone to see. Its kind of like living near the woods and getting to watch the wildlife. If the wildlife smoked crack. Sorta like whoever came up with...
8) Auto inspection in Memphis. Are all cities like this??! Did i miss something? I am told you can get false tags in certain gas stations in the hood. When West Memphis AR has its shit together more than your city, its time to take notes.
9) Rats. Another unfortunate of downtown life. Thankfully i have seen no sign of them where i live, but i find it too common to see them running across the street in packs on my block. The way overpriced apartments around the corner seem to have a real problem and its pretty creepy. Though I did always like Templeton in Charlotte's Web... He sang that song about the Schmorgasbords (and I knooow I misspelled that.) But Charlotte was cool too and I am still squashing any spider on sight with extreme prejudice- I don't care if her web has the Defective Agency logo in it.
10) OK - the image above got your attention. Good. This one probably inspired this list. Its pretty wierd and maybe kind of petty - but it does truly annoy me. Now stay with me on this one...I joined the YMCA downtown about 6 weeks ago. It's great - I plan on ending this winter weighing less than I did beforehand, a true first. I love treadmilling my ass off and then I quite enjoy hitting the steamroom and the hot tub which are surprisingly clean and nice facilities. My problem lies not at all with the place, but rather a certain mentality that seems to be popular amongst some of the members.

Now, I played football through high school. I have been in a locker room before. I am not ashamed of myself or afraid to take a shower around dudes. Whatever. But there are some guys at the Y that just seem to have a thing for being ...gratuitous. Its almost like these guys don't get to be naked at home, so now somebody said its technically ok, its just time to let it aaaallll hang loose. Here's the thing - it's not the guys that are in shape and flossing some ego. Its the oldest and usually fattest of us that seem to be really into strutting what they got. Everywhere. And it can be disturbing to say the least.

I am not losing my mind here. There are even clearly marked signs imploring you to at least wear a swimsuit (and it calls it that - swimsuit -i'll rail on that in a second) past a certain point in the hot tub and saunas. I guess these old dudes feel like they are getting away with something? Is there some sort of exhilaration in sitting your wrinkly ass on the tile seat of the sauna? You can't use a towel?? They give out towels!!! For free!!

And I am sorry, but tighty whiteys do NOT count as swimming trunks - especially when you weigh 400lbs. I have not owned a pair of TW's since my first girlfriend in high school who told me they were ridiculous - and thank God i listened and overhauled my underwear collection the next day. And soaking wet on an obese man, half submerged in a hot tub like a Brontosaurus looking to relieve itself of the burden of its own mass? Hideous.Yes, I am being mean here- but you nearly blinded me with this ghastly abomination that mine eyes were so unfortunate as to see, sir. I feel like I watched a child get run over or a dog beaten - I am a worse person for it. And while I am attacking you verbally, let me just say that walking from the steam room to the hot tub and back again does not count as a workout. It's more like a ghastly fashion show strut down the catwalk of Hades. You made it to the Y, and for that I do applaud you. You're on the right track -now take yourself to Target, I say!

11)And last but not least - I am turning 30 in December! What does that even mean?!?!? I am not married, have no kids - is that bad??? I have never left the country...I just now learned how to tie a tie! So much stuff still to do - have I missed out? Am i supposed to be doing something I'm not? If so, who can tell me? I feel like i must be doing something right - unless my thought process is wrong...

- and guess what? That annoys me.