Now That's Entertainment!

I have managed to make it to a few shows in the past coupla weeks...and I have seen a few things that made me chuckle...First, if you are not a fan of Tim & Eric Awesome Show - Great Job! then you are one of the following: dumb, humorless, tasteless, smelly, ugly, and/or fat. Anyone who has been around me longer than 5 minutes knows I am a fanatic. This past weekend wrapped up Season 3 of the show and it was a masterpiece. They even got Frank Black from the Pixies to sing them out! Now, since I have been singing this song for 48 hours straight, I present the final bit from this past Sunday's episode....as we come upon our heroes, they are waking from their dream of eating their way to the summit of Brownie Mountain... oh, and those are all the various characters introduced in Season 3 riding the brownies...

Then this also happened to me on the way to work the other day....the weatherman said it might rain that afternoon. That's a might and it was still 8 in the morning. The sky was blue waith maybe a few of the whispy white clouds that float along. As I was bringing Arrow-dog around the block to pee, I passed this person. No storm cloud was gonna sneak up on her, dammit!

I also managed to catch my long time favorites Shmelby at the Buccaneer last week. Man I love these guys. Muck Sticky may be raunchier. Lord T & Eloise may have more presence and bombast. But for my buck (five, actually), the Shmelby All-Stars (DJ Awesome, Redbeard & Shower Cap) are the bestest. "Rock The Poopie", "AssNeck Trick", "Covered In Stank"....all rapalong classics. And they didn't disappoint! On this occasion they even brought out a live drummer! Hmmm....Now, once again I got the hookup working behind the scenes at the Memphis Flyer Best Of party. A great gig and good money, and I got to hobnob with....well, Memphis Best Of! The food was the best, the businesses represented were awesome...and then the band took the stage. What the hell?!?!?!? The Barbaras - guys, if one of you ever reads this, it ain't personal, I just calls em likes I sees em. This is the part where I think of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, with his hilariously Yugoslavian (!?) accent, yelling "EEW SOCK!" at those he felt were lacking in talent. These guys were lame enough in the music department - junior high pop-punk - but worse than that they committed the most heinous of band crimes in my book...they filled the gaps between songs with "witty" onstage banter. Now, the singer did think he was amusing. And he may well have amused himself, so I won't call him a liar. But I had to ask the guy who booked me for this party if they asked these guys to play on purpose.

And, not wanting to end on such a craptastic note, I spent Saturday out with the Old Man, my awesome dad. We hit the Putt Putt driving range early on Saturday (where I have MUCH time needed) and then on to the Tigers football game where we had Press Box passes waiting. We ran this play two years ago against the same team, Arkansas State, and watched our Tigers take it down to the wire, after leading the whole game, only to lose on a hail Mary pass at the buzzer. That's some retarded Tecmo Bowl bullshit! What the Hell?!?!?! Sorry - I hold a grudge on that one. And I was waaaay cynical about the game going in.

But lo and behold....we f'n won!!! And looked halfway good doing it! And we ate a bunch of Central BBQ! Yea for the Tigers and yea for me!

I also hit the Raconteurs show Monday night at the Canon Center. We got there with some time to spare so I got to soak up the coolness of the place. Catch a show there - ride the trolley! We did. The show was super rockin. Not nearly as bombastic as the White Stripes, these guys have a very fleashed out sound that allows them to jam and stretch out. Jack White looks like he's having fun - even though he looked to be pretty ill at this show. At one point he explained to us that his voice was going out and he was gonna do his best. He had to sit down a bit - and then his rig kept going out and they kept running out more cords and guitars. But nothing can stop him from rocking - the guy rules. And now he is making music for James Bond movies with Alicia Keys and doing songs for Coke and you know what? As long as he can rock it like this, I say go dude!

Last but not least, I hit Woofstock the other day. A very cool event and whoever put it together should be proud. It was a music festival sort of thing in Overton Park for dog and cat owners. Lots of shelters adopting out dogs, lots of cool (and creepy) pet vendors, and a TON of dogs. There was also an appearance of SpongeBob Squarepants (?). This reminded me of one time when I was a kid I saw another kid kick the KoolAid man in the ass in the aisle of Piggly Wiggly and take off running. I envied that kid. If I was a little younger and a bit ballsier, I woulda given SpongeBob das boot. He only knew one lame dance and it barely held the kids attention long enough for me to film this. imagine this clip in a 10 minute long loop and you'll get an idea of the lameness he was pullin:

OK, let me go do some shit and then I will come back and write about it. OH! On the food tip, Little Italy at the West end of Union is pretty good! The chicken is a little precooked & processed tasting, but the Italian sandwich I had was rockin and was cheap. And whats up with all these good places to eat bein closed on mondays (Umai, Petra, lookin at you!)?!?!?!?

Part 2: The Sequel That Took Longer Than Indiana Jones 4 (and may be just as disappointing)...

It has taken me a minute to get my act together and follow up my last entry so now I have quite a bit to blather on about. Thus, forgive me if I blaze through a few events that probably deserve more attention than I plan to give them. If you want to bitch, there is a comments section after all. My guess is, though, that you will get tired of my banter and skip to the end anyway so it makes little difference either way.

There. With that out of the way, we may proceeeeeeed....

When last we left me, I was getting ready for Taylor & Britten's wedding, getting zonked & shooting guns. And getting mistaken for a lumberjack somewhere along the way. Yoiks!

Sooooooo....what about the babes mentioned in the prior entry? Well, honestly I kinda thought there would be more to report on that post-wedding. I will give myself credit - your boy arrived in style:

Ah, Heidi and Carly - so lovely. By default I was surrounded by hotties! But alas it would seem that Taylor & Britten, while having what seemed to be enough guests for a remake of the opening scene of the Godfather (the big Italian wedding, you dope) - it also seemed to be largely a crowd of old folks (which is nice to call people when you're pushing 30 yourself) - and kids. And dudes. Dammit!

But that didn't stop these ladies from keeping me entertained. Heidi thinks she can't drink more than a half a cup of wine. I don't think she has figured out that she's Italian yet. It'll hit her when she turns about 50 and cougars out. Yes, Heidi, I am talkin about you. Carly, meanwhile, had no such problems in putting away the spirits and before long it was time for the chicken dance. No, not the wedding-style chicken dance - the one from the TV show Arrested Development. If you don't know what I am talking about, hop over to Youtube real quick-like and then bounce back. The whole family on the show had their own dance - each member had their own unique spin on it....so Carly attempted to cover all of em:

Are we not entertained? Then it got really good - my friend *name removed to protect the innocent* (who deserves to be called my friend by now rather than "my friend's girlfriend") thought she was being slick and apparently ditched us to slip off and smoke a j with some snob (they didn't invite me). Before I even had a chance to bust her out, she realized she had been standing on an anthill the whole time. I think the ants were mad at not being part of the rotation, plus she was standing on their house, so they bit her all over her beautifully sandled feet. It was funny ha-ha til her feet turned red and swoll up. Puff, puff, pass, friend X!

The bride and groom were awesome as I knew they would be. Britten gets props from me for being the most laid back bride I can remember ever. And Taylor made this face while he danced with her that still makes me laugh:

Then to add to the grand finale, we all flodged on going out after the wedding. The Southern Heritage Classic was going on and downtown was NUTS. Heidi and I made it back to her car which was parked next to Stop 345 by my house. When I first met her, her now-husband Jason was in a black metal band that played there. It was called The Last Place On Earth at that time and I was the bartender. Glory days! Anyway, I told her we should walk down there so she could see how different it looks these days. As we walked down the sidewalk, a security guard stopped me and asked if we were headed to the club. Sure, I told him, but just to look around. He looked at me, concerned, and replied to me that "Its nuthin but babies down there tonight." Huh? Its a young moms convention? That has potential! Within moments, however, I discovered to my horror what it really was and why he was warning me, the 29 year old male. Streaming up the sidewalk came a crowd of what I am guessing to be 14 to 17 year old girls dressed in tiny gym shorts, stretch pants, tube tops and less. Behind them came the obligatory high school dudes, complete with that seventies preppy flyback hairdo they all rock these days. Behind them came a bum, eyeing those young girls like they were pieces of chicken. "Wussup gurl! You lookin so good gurl!" The security guard who had warned me stopped the bum and told him he was too old and to keep moving. The bum's defense? He spun around and pointed me out and screamed "Thass a grown-ass mane right there!" Hey - the guy had a case.

That's when I called it a night. Well, we did try to convince the girl at the door we had a daughter inside the party in attempts to get in free - thankfully she didn't fall for it.

guns & dames part 1 (guns)

So....I'm looking at Justin's blog here and I see he's armed with a shotgun - and he's going to shoot something!?!? Thaaaaat's right! Justin got a taste of power....and he liked it!

So what the hell happened? I've never touched a firearm in my life! Well, my buddy Taylor had the grand idea to have what he called a Hunter S. Thompson style bachelor party. Use your imagination. We loaded up a couple of cars' worth of dudes and headed out to the country - way out past Lakeland.

When we got there I realized we were in for a real treat. An all-terrain Mule came rolling up and the back looked like something bank robbers would haul out. To escape a militia.

Guns (the full gamut, too - shotgun, rifle, and pistol), more ammo than I could count and a load of orange skeets. I was skeptical. I tried the pistol - and almost took my toe off in a misguided shot. We'll say that one was for my dead homies. It was ok - I didn't hold it sideways or talk to it or anything - but it was cool.

But then.....the shotgun....oh, the shotgun...

This one took me a minute to fall in love with. My closest experience to dealing with this was skeet shooting on Duck Hunt as a kid. My grandfather would have been humiliated at my ignorance, but I'll bet he would have been hard pressed to use Photoshop so I'll say we are even. My first time up with the old girl was rough. The kick was hard (though not as bad as you might think) and I couldn't see shit.

The second time, though....think Ralphie when he takes an Black Bart...Brodie when he aims down the oxygen tank in Jaws' mouth...it was ON!

I swear I didn't know I had it in me...but there I was, getting my blast on! All this time, I have wondered what 3-6 Mafia was on about, with the sawed offs and the plastic nines...still wondering about those, actually...but now I know! Destroying things with deadly force is awesome! And doing it while getting intoxicated is thrilling! Wow...I won't even get into how bizarre it all got (it was a Hunter S. Thompson affair, after all) but I will put your mind at ease by saying we ran out of ammo before we got too twisted.

By the end of the night, we were back in civilization, feeding Taylor tequila shots as frequently as possible. At one point, as I went to the bar to close my tab, a lovely lady stopped me just to ask about our table. Being a master sarcasmist myself, I was trying to read her patronization. "Excuse me," she said. "your table - it seems to be full of very masculine men - what with all the liquor and beards...are you lumberjacks or something?" I looked back at our table - a graphic designer, an opera singer (from San Francisco no less), a scientist from St Jude, a librarian & a bartender. Not a calloused finger in the bunch.

"Yes ma'am....we are men."

weekend update

Got to catch the Tunnel Clones and Iron Mic Coalition last night at the Hi Tone. I wish I could say more about live hip hop shows - they just have a tendency to come across rather flat. If you read my thoughts on the 8 Ball and MJG show a week or so back, then you'll know i am generally annoyed at the short attention span "ring-tone" method of rap shows these days. Not that the live show has ever been the form's greatest strength. People have been throwing their hands in the air like they don't care and saying oh yeah for 30 years now - it just gets a little stale after awhile.
And so it was nice to see a group, local no less, at least attempting to break the static formula of rap concerts. The Tunnel Clones have no pointless hangers-on standing arund on stage, they actually freestyle both musically (props to the Jedi) and verbally (not their greatest ability, but fun nonetheless), and they augment the show with musicians here and there on vocals, horns and (?!) harmonica. A very unique group that should go down in Memphis history. They may lack the pomposity and showmanship of Lord T & Eloise, but I'll bet their cd deserves twice as many listens.
While I am on here, I must rail on Memphis football for a second. I had settled in on my parents' new couch, drink in one hand, pepper poppers in the other and here we go driving, passing, scoring(!) and generally looking ready to kick Rice in the shins. Unfortunately, its not the ability to take the lead, its KEEPING the lead that wins the game. Not the first Memphis game lost sloppily at the last minute. My Dad refers to it as snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
I will NOT be gone to the beach this week as I had so hoped to be. I feel like a bit of my spirit has been crushed. Thankfully my friend Taylor's wedding is this week and I plan to take a few days off just to party down with my friends while they are in town. There won't be any shrimp or dolphins, but there won't be any hurricanes either!
Myohmyohmyohmy....it looks like your boy may be heading to Europe in 2009...Amsterdam trip in the works with official financial backing from the parental units. Other than a weeklong trip to NY in 8th grade (which was mindblowing, at least for a 14 year old) I have never left the SE United States, much less the continent of North America. More details to follow!

a CHANGE gon' come...

Oh boy - I am getting excited about our next Defective Agency show - coming up on the 20th we will be rocking the Nocturnal Club on Madison Ave...we started rehearsals last night and somehow managed to rock ourselves out, so beware! I will be updating leading up to the show, but just remember its only a dollar with voter ID....and it looks like we will indeed rock thy ass.

now thats a woman i can vote for!

Here's what's funny - I got this message in my email from an outspoken Democrat friend this morning. It had a title like "GOP is gonna have a tough time now"....but when i emailed this out to all my conservative friends, they all loved it! Unfortunately its been debunked as fake, but we can dream anyway. And after seeing the real pic, I have decided that its hotter with Palin's head anyway.

You just can't reason with hurricane season...

So of course just as I pack up to head south with the folks, the hurricanes come rolling in. That's just great. Of course, my folks like to play it risky and nab the post-Labor Day rates down there, so I can't say we weren't asking for it. But poor Dauphin Island! I can see why there isn't so much as a McDonalds down there - every year it gets buried in sand!

According to Dauphin Island Real Estate, our longtime realtors down there:

"Hurricane Gustav Photos Sept. 1, 2008 (taken right after hurricane- overwash from storm surge was still occuring)All of the rental properties appear to be structurally ok and beach erosion probably isn't as bad as it appears in these photos. As the storm surge subsides today and tomorrow, we'll know more.
Basically, we were very lucky. The infrastructure (power, water, sewer, cable) is 99% OK.
The protective sand berm is now laying in Bienville Blvd. This was expected.
Most houses lost at least some of their stairs and all driveways will need to be replaced. Also, the electrical service panels on many houses could have been submerged by water and will all have to be inspected. Basically, the biggest problemwill be moving sand out of Bienville Blvd. The west end cannot be accessed without a serious 4 wheel drive vehicle."

Soooooooo....looks like I'll have an exciting week of...hmm....Bowling? Jogging? Wrapping some trucks? Great. Sounds fun!

who runnin?!

So I ran in the Jr Achievement / Chik Fil-A 5K this morning. It was my third ever (the first being this same 5K this time last year). Always an interesting experience.
Let me say this about running. It should be the simplest sport there is. Its walking - but faster. Right? Am I missing something here? Well, to see runners congregate somewhere for a race, you would think it was up the side of a mountain....underwater. They got shit strapped to their arms, tubes, pouches, fanny packs (!!!) and even super-modified baby strollers for the next generation. Its nuts! You cant just put on some tennis shoes and some gym shorts to run down the street? You gotta look like a candy raver astronaut now?
Probably the most notable item of clothing on the runner is the shorts. Now I can appreciate that the wrong shorts ride up, give you a wedgie AND make you look like a tool with pants up your crack as you run. Its true. But these damn shorts with the angle slit out of the thigh...I'll say this, they are waaaay better than the little spandex unitards that the running clubs sport (comeplete with built-in fanny packs! HA!) and which seem to be a favorite of big hairy mustache guys. And they look hella great on young women who run a lot. But the rest of the general population? And 70 year old men ?!?!?! The human ass cheek does not need that much breeze. Put that thing away and get some shorts that make you think "shorts" and not "loin cloth".
And oh these old men....and women, too, to be fair. Now I have to say that I applaud these folks for being able to dust my sorry ass in their 70's. Kudos. And I am very happy for them being motivated and outgoing. But runners seem to have a unique body style to begin with. Super lean with less than no body fat. Its kinda creepy. And when they hit AARP status, the skin kinda starts to sag off the bone and there is no fat there to keep it filled out. So you get this wrinkle-tastic skeletal thing going on that, well...it ain't pretty. Now at least they are in shape, and I give them that, but they are also the most flambuoyant people out there and wear less than ANYBODY.

Thankfully this guy was not in my race, but you see what I am talking about here. Day-glo, thigh slit shorts, no shirt (and believe me they make and sell all kinds of wierd running shirts) and he looks like he way needs to eat a sandwich.
In case you are wondering, I am 29 and I ran the thing in just under 31 minutes which is a few minutes slower than my time last year (this angered me). I wore a very tasteful Adidas ensemble of some white soccer style shorts, a breathable t-shirt and my new blue and silver running shoes. Maybe someone is blogging right now about the fool-ass fool who ran in his dumb Adidas stuff and got smoked by the old ladies. If you do happen to come across that blog, please forward me a link.